The Stoplight

Sophomore Touches Himself in Media Center

2006-12-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

Harry Neinholz, a sophomore, was caught fondling himself in the Media Center yesterday according to Valet High School’s Lewd Act Prevention Team. Also known as LAPT, this group of officers, students, and teachers is dedicated to stopping what has become an ever-increasing problem ever since this year’s class of sophomores arrived.
“It is a vulgar and disgusting habit that is best left at home or in the bathroom,” said the school’s librarian, who says that 80% of her time is spent on the prevention of these lewd acts.
“While everyone enjoys a little touching of himself and/or herself,” said associate principal Mr. Phaovzmehis, “a school library and/or media center are/is no place for this activity.”
As punishment, Harry Neinholz’s face will be shown on the school television announcements under the heading “LAPT’s Pervert of the Week.” Also, he must volunteer twenty hours of community service to the library of his choice and may only work on a school computer under the supervision of an LAPT officer.
Neinholz refused to comment until he was pinned down by two large senior associates of the Stoplight. “I’m sorry,” he said repeatedly, visibly shaken.

Time for a Change: Zombies

2006-12-04T22:49:00.000-08:00

The security of our school is in grave danger. Our brothers, our sisters, our classmates are all unprotected from the most dangerous threat of all. Communists? No. Terrorists? No. Paparazzi? No, but we have a plan for that.

Zombies. The resurrected bodies of the dead risen and craving human flesh. Our school is vulnerable to such terror because the school officials don't consider this a threat! The spokesperson for Valley High -after admitting their lack of preparedness- went so far as to say, “I don't believe in zombies.” Why are these people keeping us in the dark? I turned to my fellow students for their oft-ignored opinion. Out of 31 people, 44% (15 people) wouldn't mind a zombie apocalypse, 8% (3 people) wouldn't want a zombie apocalypse, 17% (6 people) don't believe in zombies, and 31% (11 people) need more information about zombies. We need to educate our students and teachers on defending our school, and we need to stockpile emergency supplies. It will come, and we must be prepared. It's time for a change.

By: Ted Creevey
Opinion Editor and Op-Ed Writer for the 'Time for a Change' section.

('Time for a Change' is a periodical Op-Ed column written by Ted Creevey, the Stoplight's opinion section editor and is a column dedicated to effecting change at Valet High school for the betterment of student life. It does not reflect the views or opinions of the newspaper, the editor-in-chief, the school, or anyone at all except the author.)

Advisories to be Separated by Race

2006-12-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

The administration of Glen High School has introduced a cutting-edge
innovation to its advisories, which it hopes will revitalize the popularity of
advisories and kindle closer bonding between students.
“Starting next year, advisories will be reorganized in order to make each one
racially continuous,” Dr. Goode said during her Principal’s Advisory Council
meeting. “With the success of the sexually segregated advisories," she
said, "but also considering the recent controversy of where to place
transvestite students, this improvement is much needed and anticipated.”
The new racially segregated advisories will be called “Pride Groups” and are
aimed to remove racial tensions that exist between members of different races
in the same advisories. The “Pride Groups” will compete against one another in
physical and mental tests compelled by friendly rivalry.
In addition, Dr. Goode says members of the opposite sex and the same race will be in the same advisory so that they will be more likely to marry and reproduce. This, she
says, will enhance Valley’s “racial purity,” which she claims has been
slipping in recent polls.
Dr. Goode has released the names and races of some new “Pride Groups”
Adding Phvfaweriopq: Laotian
Rocky “The Graz.” Balboa: Italian
Miniwell: African-American
Murphy McSmall: Irish
The administration says that, if the “pride groups” work out next year, they
will implement “Race Zones,” in which Blacks will be restricted to the field
house, Asians to the orchestra and math wings, and Whites to the underwater
basket weaving wing.

Guy McKeon, investigative reporter

Swiss Declare War on Iowa School

2006-11-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

BERN, SWITZERLAND- This morning, Moritz Leuenberger, president of Switzerland, issued a formal statement declaring war on Valley High School.
The declaration was passed unanimously by the Swiss Federal Council.
"This, 'Student Conduct Code' is no doubt illegal. We feel that this threatens our country, and as a result this school must face the consequences, and that is why we have just launched a fleet of nuclear missiles. " President Leuenberger said.
The code in question was adopted this year. The policy states that, "this policy applies in all countries and locations throughout the world (including international waters), regardless of whether the possession or use of alcohol by a student is legal or not prohibited by law in the location where it is possessed or used." Many feel that the code therefore would give the school worldwide jurisdiction, and it would supersede even the laws of other countries.
Many have questioned if Switzerland's military capabilities are enough.
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the nail clippers right here." Renowned military expert Jerry Seinfeld said.
Mr. Seinfeld did not comment about the possibility that Switzerland may contain massive numbers of nuclear warheads.
"The school administration vehemently denies all rumors that the Swiss has initiated strategic missile launch," a spokesperson for the Goode administration said as shock-waves leveled most of downtown Des Moines.

Hall Monitors Host Coup

2006-11-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

RM135A-Members of the recently deposed administration of Glen High School have barricaded themselves in this small group of rooms for the past three days. Rooms including room 135A, 135, 136, and 134. They are the only spot in the school still under the control of the Goode administration.
Three days ago the school hall monitors, led by Kris Samovich overthrew the Goode administration. Samovich, along with the Committee for Democratic Reform, proclaimed that his interim government would only last for one year, and that his
only intention was to restore, peace, order, and learning to the school.
“We are a community of learners, and we will know and uplift every child, regardless of how smart they are.” Samovich said.
The Committee has refused to answer any questions about how they intend to change the system, who will be left in power after one year has passed, and has yet to give any specific reasons for the coup.
General Jeff Topgun, head of the military under the junta has placed the Goode administration under siege. Soldiers/custodians have been placed at all entrances to the stronghold.
“They’ve really chosen the best place strategically to hole themselves in. It’s going to be a while before we can really root them and their ideologies out of this place.” Topgun said.
Dr. Lucy Goode has come under criticisms for several years for policies many thought went too far.
Others feel that the administration was implementing changes that were made by others more powerful than the good doctor and her aides.
“Well, Samovich has really been in power for several years now, along with several others. He really controls the day to day business of the school. Dr Goode really only makes announcements and is the figurehead.” expert of Valet High School, Nick Manna said. “The only real change the administration has made the past few years was changing homeroom to PAA [personal adult advisor] several years ago, and then PAA to advisory. It’s really all the same, but if Dr. Goode didn’t actually do anything then it would be too obvious that Samovich was in charge.”
Kris Samovich released a statement saying that he held the coup because the administration was becoming complacent and, quite frankly, dumb.

By: Major Major Major Major, Chief Military Correspondent

British Man Forms Own Country

2006-11-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

KENSINGTON, UK – Robert Livingston, British national and patron of the Bacchic Bar, declared his independence from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland late last night; Mr. Livingston claimed the perimeter of his flat on 17 Bond Street as the new borders of the Republic of Zugzwang.
“Let my people be free, o mighty enchiladas! Under my new republic, there shall be liberty, peace, and domo-kuns for all! Hurrah!” Mr. Livingston said at a press conference held this morning. “Those commie Labour people! Glad to be rid of the lot of them, I am.”
This latest development has troubled politicians all around the world, who fear the political repercussions this action may have.
“We have no idea what this tiny, rogue state may harbour,” Kofi Annan, Secretary-General of the United Nations said. “Mr. Livingston has threatened many nations with thermonuclear warheads, biological agents, and hordes of demonic, winged monkeys. This situation will have to monitored carefully.”
President Bush issued a press statement as well regarding Zugzwang, in which he said, “Mr. Livingston’s seeming ‘genocide’ against alcoholic beverages, and his brutal execution of them, in which they are digested by stomach acids and enzymes, will not go unpunished. If Mr. Livingston does not stop these terrible actions, America will have no choice but to invade his tiny, rogue nation, and liberate its oil.”

By: Winston al-Marik
British Bureau Chief

Group Protests Play: Not Gay Enough

2006-11-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

RM403 - The East Borough Presbyterian Church announced late last week plans to protest Valet High School for performing a play.
“Valet High School’s production of the Larry Project, or whatever it’s called, is evil and should not go unpunished. As a result, God faxed us instructions to protest at Valet High School.” Spokesperson for the East Borough Presbyterian Church, Jesus McGod said earlier.
“We’re excited to have some support in our long slog against the Goode administration.” Kiyae Alleghieri, editor of the school newspaper, The Spotlight, said. “We’ve been saying for years that God hates Valet high school, and it’s good to have another group agree with us and support our cause.”
Valet high school principal Dr. Goode responded calmly, merely stating that the Spotlight would no longer be getting school funding, and that McGod could go to heaven. She also muttered something unrelated about getting the debate coach’s head on a silver platter.
The police department released a statement earlier today confirming reports of a protest outside the school. According to the statement, Spotlight staff and East Borough Presbyterians plan to protest outside the school during performance of the Larry Papers.
The Larry Papers is a production about a college student who gets killed. The kid was gay. The play picks up right after the kid’s murder and follows the trial of his killers through to end.
“The Larry Project, or whatever it’s called, is a terrible publication that shows our children that killing gay people is acceptable and common. It is a handbook for any wannabe queer killer on how to defend yourself in court.” McGod said. “The East Borough Presbyterian Church has vowed to protest every production of this play to remove it from school curriculum. This play is most definitely not gay enough! It is a tacky, cheap bit about killing innocent men and women whose only mistake was wanting to have hot, passionate…ummm…anyway…”
The Larry Papers has always received fire from Gay Straight Alliances for being too straight and bigoted against gay people, however, the authors insist that the point of the play isn’t to promote tolerance of homosexuality.
“The Larry Papers is about love and tolerance, it’s not just about the gays!” Moses Gayhater, author of the play said.
“Really the entire thing is pointless.” random guy off the street Nick Manna said. “I mean, who cares about the play, it’s getting so much coverage here, but it’s being performed by, like, a hundred other schools too…What about them guys? What about them?”

By: Ronaldo Waldo

All-Star Receiver Kills Three, Receives Two Detentions and a Warning

2006-11-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

By: Alfred Hamsington, special correspondent

Miriam Hazelton, victim #2, enjoyed knitting. (Google images)

Jack Blandwig, all-star receiver for Valet High School, killed three elderly women from St. Judith’s Retirement Castle yesterday. After slitting their throats, apparently to “watch them die,” he dumped their bodies into a nearby drainage ditch. His punishments, which are two half-hour detentions (to be served after the football season) and a stern warning from Dr. Goode, have been challenged by his parents, coaches, and teammates for being too harsh. The three women were past their golden years, his parents explained, and were no longer of much value to the community.

Some students have expressed the very irrational, strange opinion that Blandwig did not receive enough punishment and that he was spared because he is such an asset to Valet High School’s football team.

“I was caught skipping,” one student who preferred to remain anonymous said, “and was sterilized as punishment. Now I can’t have kids. Why are they so lenient on Blandwig, considering his earlier rapes and murders?”

“The killing of innocent people is not condemned by our student activity conduct code,” Mr. Buncan, athletic coordinator, said, “Whomever the important students kill is their own affair.”

Many students have donned “Free Blandwig” t-shirts made by the FFRA, or the Fellowship of Filthy-Rich Athletes, and are calling for the administration to pardon him of all convictions. The families of the three deceased, who were threatening to sue, recently left town after their houses were burned to the ground by mobs of Valet students.

“There have been many useless students who received little punishment for their crimes,” Mr. Buncan said " for example, a mock trial student was once pardoned of murder because he ate the victim and that was considered less wasteful.”

All we can do is pray and hope that the administration will come to its senses and revoke its authoritarian measures against our school’s valiant football player.

Crispy Cream Attacked

2006-11-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

ANKENY-The Ankeny Crispy Cream store was bombed early yesterday morning by terrorists.
The store, which is on Iowa’s list of possible terrorist targets, was blown up by three suicide bombers during the store’s busiest time of the day, early morning, when the doughnuts are fresh and warm.
The attack wounded three people. One is being treated for a splinter he suffered while exiting the building, and two are in the hospital for running into each other.
Three police officers were at the store, two of them were on duty at the time. The third officer was on medical leave that day due to a heart condition.
“This was an unprovoked and violent attack on innocent civilians.” Police spokesman, Lightning Calhoun said.
Some people are already saying that the attack was made possible due to a lack of security in Iowa and the metro area.
“If the Governor had just given Crispy Cream more security funding then this attack never would have happened.” Cristy Creem, a concerned citizen, local entrepreneur, and owner of several doughnut franchises in Iowa, said.
When questioned on this, Calhoun said that the state had already given several thousand dollars to Crispy Cream Corporation.
“Crispy Cream Corporation has failed to provide evidence of how they spent the money appropriated to them.” Calhoun said. “If they cannot account for the money we gave them then we cannot give them more money.”
The security at Crispy Cream stores has significantly increased since the attack.
“It is now recommended that customers show up an hour early and have all materials with them ready to be searched.” Cream said. “We are installing metal detectors and X-ray screens at all entrances into the building, but that doesn’t really matter because all customers are subject to a mandatory strip search and full body cavity search.”
Crispy Cream is now looking into designs for a memorial for the attack. The front runner for the memorial is a large, glistening statue of a donut being eaten by a fat guard.
“It really speaks to the causes of this catastrophe I think.” Nick Manna, designer of the
memorial said.

By: Kiyae Alleghieri
Editor-In-Chief
Most Pristine and Ethereal Ruler

British Public Politely Asks Terrorists to Stop

2006-09-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

LONDON, UK – The citizens of the United Kingdom courteously asked terrorists to stop attacking them late last week.
“It’d be nice if those terrorists would stop trying to take over planes; I almost missed my flight to Paris because of them,” said one Heathrow frequenter who was on one of the flights targeted by extremists this summer.
“Tube stations, airports, Parliament…attacks on these places has to stop,” Prime Minister Tony Blair declared.
If attacks do not stop soon, the British Security Service plans to send a respectful “Stop Bombing Us” card.

Winston Churchill Al-Marik
Managing Editor, British Bureau Chief

No-Harm-Done Advice Column: Four Simple Steps to Gaming

2005-01-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

Christian Harms, Advice Columnist

Have you ever felt the thrill of banishing Mephistopheles, the Lord of the Eighth Circle of Hell, after battling your way through an army of living corpses, being betrayed by your cohorts, and having every one of your hard earned buffs instantly dissolved with the wave of a wicked hand, and emerging victorious with 12 hit points left after the Dark Lord rolls a critical failure on his fortitude saving throw against your ultimate spell of destruction? If you haven’t, you’re missing out on the hip new world of gaming. If you follow these four simple steps, you will be able to become an ultimate gamer in less time than it takes to beat Kirby’s Dreamland (~17 minutes 42.57 seconds).

The first step is to get the right gaming systems and peripherals. This includes, but is not limited to: the Microsoft X-Box, Sony Playstation 2, and Nintendo Game Cube. It is critical that you have high speed internet access (at least 500 kbps), and a hardcore gamer also has a high-end PC. We’re not talking a wimpy computer that you buy at K-Mart. Put it all on your credit card so you don’t actually have to pay for it. You may also want to build your own nuclear power plant in your backyard to sustain your system’s energy needs and to continue gaming during blackouts.

Step two: choose your screen name. This is the most important step. Choosing your name is more important than choosing a house, a college, or even a spouse. You want to be original; using numbers in your name —uhh, NO! You don’t want to be the 28th lowlife (lowlife28) Make sure your name is easy to read, even by newbs. Names like tankarm and the like are always misread as pepp- three-roni and tan-karm. Some good gamertags are Zyos and Tsoedn, y’know, the easy but cool kind. You want to have an interesting gametag because, unlike your internet girlfriend, it will never hack your system or leave you.

The third step is to learn the lingo. There is a lot of communicating going on between gamers throughout the game, so you want to be able to decipher type and speak the gamer code. The biggest insult in any game is being called a newb. Swearing and foul language are considered complimentary. “You f***ing f***er you f***ing killed me!” translates to “Thank you for a good match. You are obviously a better player than I am.” BSTUAMAAPTSVGT (Be sure to use as many acronyms as possible to save valuable gaming time). That’s l33t.

The last and most fun step is to play the game! As soon as you hear about a game that will be released at a later date, reserve your copy. You don’t want to be the second person to get the game; you need to be the first. Be at your local gaming store at least 2 days prior to release. Bring your food, sleeping bag, and your favorite handheld system with lots of batteries so you don’t miss a minute of game time. When you do eventually get your game, you will want to stock your gaming area with plenty of Mountain Dew and chips. Keep playing until you have beaten the game. Don’t let anything stop you from playing: not school, not work, and certainly not, if you are of the lucky sort, girlfriends or boyfriends. As soon as you get to the last level of the game, call everyone you know and tell them. They will all probably idolize you.

By following these simple steps you will become a master gamer. So HF, DS, and above all have a GG!

Hope for Winter Weather Worshippers; New Administrative Policies Include Snow Days

2005-01-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

Edwin Amberwood, Reporter

Shocking developments have occurred in the recent weeks in the new WDMCSD [West Des Moines Community School District] leadership. Fairies have taken over the job of determining school cancellations and relative schedule changes due to questionable weather. So far, WDMCSD schools have been cancelled for a total of three days. Two school days have been either delayed or cut short. This is the dawning of a timely snow day era; an unofficial four-year moratorium on snow days has finally been breached. No quote could be had from the student body. Every student questioned was too busy standing in stunned silence, contemplating if Lucifer was at that very moment donning his parka.

"Student safety is paramount, and we will work to keep your kids safe, even if that means a school day must be cancelled, delayed or cut short. If there is a possibility that in the future there might be a chance of any type of precipitation or other inclement weather conditions that could cause less than ideal driving conditions somewhere in Iowa, school will be cancelled," stated a press release in district aimed at quelling parent fears about the weather.

"It is about time they heeded some common sense," Cindy Wherewithal, a parent within the district pleased with the administration's new stance on weather and school. She is indicative of many student's parents, but not all. Owen Bese is concerned that some students have been able to avoid all Physical Education classes since late December. "Our kids are getting fatter by the second!"

Parental reactions are mixed, but West Des Moines's new Superintendent is clearly taking a more red-state approach toward school closings.

Asian Uprising Inspired by Valley Elites

2004-11-06T11:50:00.000-08:00

Major Major Major Major, Editor

Pandemonium erupted at Valley High School in West Des Moines when several stereotypical "over-achieving" Asians were refused admittance into the Association of Overly-Accomplished Test Takers [AOATT]. Blaming white supremacy, these disgruntled and coincidentally well-organized students began the controversial Asian Uprising.

"It just happened immediately," said President Janice "Skulls" Lee, head of the uprising committee. "All the people that were suspicious of the blatant white man propaganda of AOATT just came together. It helped that we just all happened to be Asian, considering all Asians know each other. Plus, an overwhelming majority of the Valley Asian population are members of the orchestra."

The Asian Uprising, founded upon principles of "Azn Pride,"has significantly progressed in its outreach. So far, the Uprising boasts a three-member committee and several potentially interested followers. The Uprising’s main objective is to make Azn Pride a mainstream belief, like kabbalah or astrology. Currently, the Uprising practices feng shui, taoism, buddhism, shintoism, karate, jujitsu, culinary sushi art, kabuki theater and crazy Japanese video games likely to cause seizures.

Thus far a civil lawsuit has not been filed.

"Technically, we do have one whole minority in AOATT," said AOATT member and Valley senior Ashley Spacey, "it just happens that the single minority is divided into two people. We’ve got two half-Japanese students that radiate with the Asian culture. They both tell me that they’ve eaten Chinese food before. That counts, right?"

"We personally think that all peoples of Asian descent are great," said AOATT representative Jack Buttes, "it’s just that we prefer to see them in kung-fu movies kicking ninja patootie or cooking that yummy Chinese takeout. They can’t do that if they’re busy trying to get into the Association of Overly-Anglo- I mean, Accomplished Test Takers. We're only looking out for the best interest of our society."

Valley Administrators Accept Addendum to Dress Code

2004-11-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

G-Monkey Louie, Grand Poobah of Stoplight Alumni

ROOM 113 – An emergency meeting called by Valley’s administrators over the urgent dress code issue has added new regulations to the Valley dress code, suggested by Principal Dr. Goode. Previously, students were not allowed to bare their midriffs or show undergarments. Now, the addition to the dress code (affectionately referred to as the Goode Corollary) states that closed-toe shoes are mandatory, as well as head coverings that cover all hair.

"We feel that these new regulations will increase students’ ability to concentrate in class" said Official Michael Tilmett. "Now, the numerous students who find feet or hair arousing or distracting will be fully able to devote their attentions to their studies instead of their classmates. I know that when I was in school, I continually stared at the soft, silky hair of the girl who sat in front of me, wanting to... but I digress. The fact is, teenagers’ hormones necessitate this dress code so they can concentrate on the tasks at hand."

The administrators have found that the Goode Corollary conflicts with a previous ruling on headwear, but the general consensus is that the benefits gained from concealing the outrageous and arousing hairstyles that have run rampant in the school in the past few years outweigh the small harm from distracting cranial apparel.

"It’s obvious to any observer that there’s no way hats can be more distracting than hair" said Valley junior Arthur Andershmidt. "And if they are, the administration can just restrict what hats students can and can’t wear. I mean, they do the same thing with shirts, and people don’t recommend that students walk around topless. Although that would be pretty cool."

The footwear restrictions are also praised as being extremely ingenious, since they will allow many students who are distracted by attractive feet to study without irresistible distractions. The percentage of teens who find attractive feet distracting is much larger than the administrators initially thought when the dress code was first instituted.

"The recent poll taken at Valley High School shows that 72% of all students in attendance have foot fetishes" claimed accomplished psychologist and West Des Moines resident Hans Holbincht. "It’s really true. Many teenagers are often distracted by beautiful feet in class. They’ll deny it, but the results are conclusive. You can even ask your friends, but they’ll probably deny it too until you find their hidden copy of the latest issue of Foot Fancy, which 68% of all households in Iowa subscribe to."

Many students are already hailing this new dress code as a boon for productivity. Students who follow administrative activity are predicting huge improvements in test scores and performance in class.

"I’ll never be distracted by that cute guy in the front row of my Biology class who always wears sandals" said Valley junior Ariel Pontrey. "He has the cutest feet and they always pulled my attention away from the teacher’s lectures. Now we can save intimate things like our feet and hair to be enjoyed in private, with people that we are intimate with, instead of baring them for the entire student body to gawk at."

After startling election day defeats, Feudalist Party forced to self-evaluate

2004-11-05T13:33:00.001-08:00

Herbert Spew, Editor

WASHINGTON– Days after an astonishing election in which Feudalist Party Candidates for President, House, and Senate lost elections nationwide, Presidential Candidate Maximillian XXIII and leader of the Feudalist Party issued a concession speech.

"We were so close in just a few battleground states, and I wanted to insure that the all the votes were counted – to do otherwise would disenfranchise the millions of loyal supporters that waited in the long lines in order to vote for my party and me."

In the weeks leading up to the election, political pundits and pollsters predicted a high voter turnout that would favor the Feudalists in their bids for election. In every state except for Mississippi, however, Feudalist candidates lost by heavy margins to Republican and Democratic tickets.

Political analyst Art Vandalay told the Stoplight, "the Feudalist Party simply was not able to connect to voters at the most basic level. Their platform of abolishing income taxes, cities, last names, and generally returning to 'the good olde days' did not resonate with voters in the way they thought it would. After such clear defeats, the Feudalists are going to have to re-evaluate how they are projecting their ideas, and whether those ideas represent a significant part of the United States population."

Coffee Bar Plans Under French-ness Investigation

2004-11-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

Chase Nordengren, Reporter

Room 113 – Documents released to Stoplight yesterday confirm that Valley High School's plans to build a coffee bar are under investigation by the Department of Defense for "suspicious amounts of French-ness." Valley announced the additions of a coffee bar and large-screen television to the student center in late September, an effort to make the school more inviting.

"We know all students here just love the school," Principal Dr. Frances Goode said, " it's just always lacked a certain ... je ne sais quoi."

"Defense has always been concerned about Valley's French quotient," an anonymous Pentagon official said. "I mean, all the elements are there: the elitism, the smarmy attitudes, the taste in fine accessories. It's just never been a national security threat until now." US Assistant Secretary of Defense for Public Relations Mac Arthy released a statement quickly denying any investigation. "At this time, all French-ness resources are directed at curbing the dangerously French ways of our most rebellious state, Canada."

Bring 'Em Back To Iowa' Campaign Resorts To Kidnap, Bribery

2004-11-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

Ken "The Romantic Poetry King" Simms, Reporter

ROOM 113 - One year into Iowa’s "Bring Them Home Campaign", efforts to return former Iowans to the state escalated to a new level with the alleged Halloween kidnapping of former Iowans, Bill and Julie Ringwalter. The surprised couple had just returned home from work Friday, October 29th, when two men burst into their St. Paul, Minnesota apartment.

The couple was tipped off to the state's involvement by the two men's t-shirts which read "Iowa: Fields of Opportunities." "I didn't know what to think," recalled Bill, "I mean, we had gotten cards about it before, and were invited to a breakfast that was pretty nice, but I never thought it was going to go this far."

The men arrived back in the safety of Iowa borders with the Ringwalters at 11:58 p.m., making this a true midnight raid. A representative for the State of Iowa who wished to remain unnamed had this to say: "It's been too long that these youth have just tossed away a land that nurtured them in its bosom, and fed it from the teat of its land. Kid's grow up and then leave here, and we're just tired of it."

So far no federal investigation has been launched. "I took this job to help the people of Iowa," the Iowa representative added, "but sometimes, they need a little push in the right direction."

Bill and Julie were temporarily housed in the guestroom at the Governor's Mansion. "I mean, they've been really nice to us and all, and my mom's thrilled that I'm back, but I just never saw myself living the rest of my life in Iowa," Julie told the Stoplight. Along with the Ringwalters, eight other couples have been 'relocated' to Iowa. Along with kidnapping, there has also been alleged bribery from Iowa officials to bring senior citizens in Boca Raton, Florida, back to their native land.

"I spent my whole life in Iowa," Carol Barker said, "and I have just had it with the winters. I'm sorry, but it's just so nice and warm down here." Barker claims that she has recently been contacted by the State Department, offering her generous relocation funds and valuable property near the Potawotami Bingo facility.