Sophomore Touches Himself in Media Center

Harry Neinholz, a sophomore, was caught fondling himself in the Media Center yesterday according to Valet High School’s Lewd Act Prevention Team. Also known as LAPT, this group of officers, students, and teachers is dedicated to stopping what has become an ever-increasing problem ever since this year’s class of sophomores arrived.
“It is a vulgar and disgusting habit that is best left at home or in the bathroom,” said the school’s librarian, who says that 80% of her time is spent on the prevention of these lewd acts.
“While everyone enjoys a little touching of himself and/or herself,” said associate principal Mr. Phaovzmehis, “a school library and/or media center are/is no place for this activity.”
As punishment, Harry Neinholz’s face will be shown on the school television announcements under the heading “LAPT’s Pervert of the Week.” Also, he must volunteer twenty hours of community service to the library of his choice and may only work on a school computer under the supervision of an LAPT officer.
Neinholz refused to comment until he was pinned down by two large senior associates of the Stoplight. “I’m sorry,” he said repeatedly, visibly shaken.

Time for a Change: Zombies

The security of our school is in grave danger. Our brothers, our sisters, our classmates are all unprotected from the most dangerous threat of all. Communists? No. Terrorists? No. Paparazzi? No, but we have a plan for that.

Zombies. The resurrected bodies of the dead risen and craving human flesh. Our school is vulnerable to such terror because the school officials don't consider this a threat! The spokesperson for Valley High -after admitting their lack of preparedness- went so far as to say, “I don't believe in zombies.” Why are these people keeping us in the dark? I turned to my fellow students for their oft-ignored opinion. Out of 31 people, 44% (15 people) wouldn't mind a zombie apocalypse, 8% (3 people) wouldn't want a zombie apocalypse, 17% (6 people) don't believe in zombies, and 31% (11 people) need more information about zombies. We need to educate our students and teachers on defending our school, and we need to stockpile emergency supplies. It will come, and we must be prepared. It's time for a change.

By: Ted Creevey
Opinion Editor and Op-Ed Writer for the 'Time for a Change' section.

('Time for a Change' is a periodical Op-Ed column written by Ted Creevey, the Stoplight's opinion section editor and is a column dedicated to effecting change at Valet High school for the betterment of student life. It does not reflect the views or opinions of the newspaper, the editor-in-chief, the school, or anyone at all except the author.)

Advisories to be Separated by Race

The administration of Glen High School has introduced a cutting-edge
innovation to its advisories, which it hopes will revitalize the popularity of
advisories and kindle closer bonding between students.
“Starting next year, advisories will be reorganized in order to make each one
racially continuous,” Dr. Goode said during her Principal’s Advisory Council
meeting. “With the success of the sexually segregated advisories," she
said, "but also considering the recent controversy of where to place
transvestite students, this improvement is much needed and anticipated.”
The new racially segregated advisories will be called “Pride Groups” and are
aimed to remove racial tensions that exist between members of different races
in the same advisories. The “Pride Groups” will compete against one another in
physical and mental tests compelled by friendly rivalry.
In addition, Dr. Goode says members of the opposite sex and the same race will be in the same advisory so that they will be more likely to marry and reproduce. This, she
says, will enhance Valley’s “racial purity,” which she claims has been
slipping in recent polls.
Dr. Goode has released the names and races of some new “Pride Groups”
Adding Phvfaweriopq: Laotian
Rocky “The Graz.” Balboa: Italian
Miniwell: African-American
Murphy McSmall: Irish
The administration says that, if the “pride groups” work out next year, they
will implement “Race Zones,” in which Blacks will be restricted to the field
house, Asians to the orchestra and math wings, and Whites to the underwater
basket weaving wing.

Guy McKeon, investigative reporter

Swiss Declare War on Iowa School

BERN, SWITZERLAND- This morning, Moritz Leuenberger, president of Switzerland, issued a formal statement declaring war on Valley High School.
The declaration was passed unanimously by the Swiss Federal Council.
"This, 'Student Conduct Code' is no doubt illegal. We feel that this threatens our country, and as a result this school must face the consequences, and that is why we have just launched a fleet of nuclear missiles. " President Leuenberger said.
The code in question was adopted this year. The policy states that, "this policy applies in all countries and locations throughout the world (including international waters), regardless of whether the possession or use of alcohol by a student is legal or not prohibited by law in the location where it is possessed or used." Many feel that the code therefore would give the school worldwide jurisdiction, and it would supersede even the laws of other countries.
Many have questioned if Switzerland's military capabilities are enough.
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the nail clippers right here." Renowned military expert Jerry Seinfeld said.
Mr. Seinfeld did not comment about the possibility that Switzerland may contain massive numbers of nuclear warheads.
"The school administration vehemently denies all rumors that the Swiss has initiated strategic missile launch," a spokesperson for the Goode administration said as shock-waves leveled most of downtown Des Moines.

Hall Monitors Host Coup

RM135A-Members of the recently deposed administration of Glen High School have barricaded themselves in this small group of rooms for the past three days. Rooms including room 135A, 135, 136, and 134. They are the only spot in the school still under the control of the Goode administration.
Three days ago the school hall monitors, led by Kris Samovich overthrew the Goode administration. Samovich, along with the Committee for Democratic Reform, proclaimed that his interim government would only last for one year, and that his
only intention was to restore, peace, order, and learning to the school.
“We are a community of learners, and we will know and uplift every child, regardless of how smart they are.” Samovich said.
The Committee has refused to answer any questions about how they intend to change the system, who will be left in power after one year has passed, and has yet to give any specific reasons for the coup.
General Jeff Topgun, head of the military under the junta has placed the Goode administration under siege. Soldiers/custodians have been placed at all entrances to the stronghold.
“They’ve really chosen the best place strategically to hole themselves in. It’s going to be a while before we can really root them and their ideologies out of this place.” Topgun said.
Dr. Lucy Goode has come under criticisms for several years for policies many thought went too far.
Others feel that the administration was implementing changes that were made by others more powerful than the good doctor and her aides.
“Well, Samovich has really been in power for several years now, along with several others. He really controls the day to day business of the school. Dr Goode really only makes announcements and is the figurehead.” expert of Valet High School, Nick Manna said. “The only real change the administration has made the past few years was changing homeroom to PAA [personal adult advisor] several years ago, and then PAA to advisory. It’s really all the same, but if Dr. Goode didn’t actually do anything then it would be too obvious that Samovich was in charge.”
Kris Samovich released a statement saying that he held the coup because the administration was becoming complacent and, quite frankly, dumb.


By: Major Major Major Major, Chief Military Correspondent

British Man Forms Own Country

KENSINGTON, UK – Robert Livingston, British national and patron of the Bacchic Bar, declared his independence from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland late last night; Mr. Livingston claimed the perimeter of his flat on 17 Bond Street as the new borders of the Republic of Zugzwang.
“Let my people be free, o mighty enchiladas! Under my new republic, there shall be liberty, peace, and domo-kuns for all! Hurrah!” Mr. Livingston said at a press conference held this morning. “Those commie Labour people! Glad to be rid of the lot of them, I am.”
This latest development has troubled politicians all around the world, who fear the political repercussions this action may have.
“We have no idea what this tiny, rogue state may harbour,” Kofi Annan, Secretary-General of the United Nations said. “Mr. Livingston has threatened many nations with thermonuclear warheads, biological agents, and hordes of demonic, winged monkeys. This situation will have to monitored carefully.”
President Bush issued a press statement as well regarding Zugzwang, in which he said, “Mr. Livingston’s seeming ‘genocide’ against alcoholic beverages, and his brutal execution of them, in which they are digested by stomach acids and enzymes, will not go unpunished. If Mr. Livingston does not stop these terrible actions, America will have no choice but to invade his tiny, rogue nation, and liberate its oil.”

By: Winston al-Marik
British Bureau Chief

Group Protests Play: Not Gay Enough

RM403 - The East Borough Presbyterian Church announced late last week plans to protest Valet High School for performing a play.
“Valet High School’s production of the Larry Project, or whatever it’s called, is evil and should not go unpunished. As a result, God faxed us instructions to protest at Valet High School.” Spokesperson for the East Borough Presbyterian Church, Jesus McGod said earlier.
“We’re excited to have some support in our long slog against the Goode administration.” Kiyae Alleghieri, editor of the school newspaper, The Spotlight, said. “We’ve been saying for years that God hates Valet high school, and it’s good to have another group agree with us and support our cause.”
Valet high school principal Dr. Goode responded calmly, merely stating that the Spotlight would no longer be getting school funding, and that McGod could go to heaven. She also muttered something unrelated about getting the debate coach’s head on a silver platter.
The police department released a statement earlier today confirming reports of a protest outside the school. According to the statement, Spotlight staff and East Borough Presbyterians plan to protest outside the school during performance of the Larry Papers.
The Larry Papers is a production about a college student who gets killed. The kid was gay. The play picks up right after the kid’s murder and follows the trial of his killers through to end.
“The Larry Project, or whatever it’s called, is a terrible publication that shows our children that killing gay people is acceptable and common. It is a handbook for any wannabe queer killer on how to defend yourself in court.” McGod said. “The East Borough Presbyterian Church has vowed to protest every production of this play to remove it from school curriculum. This play is most definitely not gay enough! It is a tacky, cheap bit about killing innocent men and women whose only mistake was wanting to have hot, passionate…ummm…anyway…”
The Larry Papers has always received fire from Gay Straight Alliances for being too straight and bigoted against gay people, however, the authors insist that the point of the play isn’t to promote tolerance of homosexuality.
“The Larry Papers is about love and tolerance, it’s not just about the gays!” Moses Gayhater, author of the play said.
“Really the entire thing is pointless.” random guy off the street Nick Manna said. “I mean, who cares about the play, it’s getting so much coverage here, but it’s being performed by, like, a hundred other schools too…What about them guys? What about them?”

By: Ronaldo Waldo

All-Star Receiver Kills Three, Receives Two Detentions and a Warning

By: Alfred Hamsington, special correspondent



Miriam Hazelton, victim #2, enjoyed knitting. (Google images)

Jack Blandwig, all-star receiver for Valet High School, killed three elderly women from St. Judith’s Retirement Castle yesterday. After slitting their throats, apparently to “watch them die,” he dumped their bodies into a nearby drainage ditch. His punishments, which are two half-hour detentions (to be served after the football season) and a stern warning from Dr. Goode, have been challenged by his parents, coaches, and teammates for being too harsh. The three women were past their golden years, his parents explained, and were no longer of much value to the community.

Some students have expressed the very irrational, strange opinion that Blandwig did not receive enough punishment and that he was spared because he is such an asset to Valet High School’s football team.

“I was caught skipping,” one student who preferred to remain anonymous said, “and was sterilized as punishment. Now I can’t have kids. Why are they so lenient on Blandwig, considering his earlier rapes and murders?”

“The killing of innocent people is not condemned by our student activity conduct code,” Mr. Buncan, athletic coordinator, said, “Whomever the important students kill is their own affair.”

Many students have donned “Free Blandwig” t-shirts made by the FFRA, or the Fellowship of Filthy-Rich Athletes, and are calling for the administration to pardon him of all convictions. The families of the three deceased, who were threatening to sue, recently left town after their houses were burned to the ground by mobs of Valet students.

“There have been many useless students who received little punishment for their crimes,” Mr. Buncan said " for example, a mock trial student was once pardoned of murder because he ate the victim and that was considered less wasteful.”

All we can do is pray and hope that the administration will come to its senses and revoke its authoritarian measures against our school’s valiant football player.

Crispy Cream Attacked

ANKENY-The Ankeny Crispy Cream store was bombed early yesterday morning by terrorists.
The store, which is on Iowa’s list of possible terrorist targets, was blown up by three suicide bombers during the store’s busiest time of the day, early morning, when the doughnuts are fresh and warm.
The attack wounded three people. One is being treated for a splinter he suffered while exiting the building, and two are in the hospital for running into each other.
Three police officers were at the store, two of them were on duty at the time. The third officer was on medical leave that day due to a heart condition.
“This was an unprovoked and violent attack on innocent civilians.” Police spokesman, Lightning Calhoun said.
Some people are already saying that the attack was made possible due to a lack of security in Iowa and the metro area.
“If the Governor had just given Crispy Cream more security funding then this attack never would have happened.” Cristy Creem, a concerned citizen, local entrepreneur, and owner of several doughnut franchises in Iowa, said.
When questioned on this, Calhoun said that the state had already given several thousand dollars to Crispy Cream Corporation.
“Crispy Cream Corporation has failed to provide evidence of how they spent the money appropriated to them.” Calhoun said. “If they cannot account for the money we gave them then we cannot give them more money.”
The security at Crispy Cream stores has significantly increased since the attack.
“It is now recommended that customers show up an hour early and have all materials with them ready to be searched.” Cream said. “We are installing metal detectors and X-ray screens at all entrances into the building, but that doesn’t really matter because all customers are subject to a mandatory strip search and full body cavity search.”
Crispy Cream is now looking into designs for a memorial for the attack. The front runner for the memorial is a large, glistening statue of a donut being eaten by a fat guard.
“It really speaks to the causes of this catastrophe I think.” Nick Manna, designer of the
memorial said.

By: Kiyae Alleghieri
Editor-In-Chief
Most Pristine and Ethereal Ruler

British Public Politely Asks Terrorists to Stop

LONDON, UK – The citizens of the United Kingdom courteously asked terrorists to stop attacking them late last week.
“It’d be nice if those terrorists would stop trying to take over planes; I almost missed my flight to Paris because of them,” said one Heathrow frequenter who was on one of the flights targeted by extremists this summer.
“Tube stations, airports, Parliament…attacks on these places has to stop,” Prime Minister Tony Blair declared.
If attacks do not stop soon, the British Security Service plans to send a respectful “Stop Bombing Us” card.

Winston Churchill Al-Marik
Managing Editor, British Bureau Chief

No-Harm-Done Advice Column: Four Simple Steps to Gaming

Christian Harms, Advice Columnist

Have you ever felt the thrill of banishing Mephistopheles, the Lord of the Eighth Circle of Hell, after battling your way through an army of living corpses, being betrayed by your cohorts, and having every one of your hard earned buffs instantly dissolved with the wave of a wicked hand, and emerging victorious with 12 hit points left after the Dark Lord rolls a critical failure on his fortitude saving throw against your ultimate spell of destruction? If you haven’t, you’re missing out on the hip new world of gaming. If you follow these four simple steps, you will be able to become an ultimate gamer in less time than it takes to beat Kirby’s Dreamland (~17 minutes 42.57 seconds).

The first step is to get the right gaming systems and peripherals. This includes, but is not limited to: the Microsoft X-Box, Sony Playstation 2, and Nintendo Game Cube. It is critical that you have high speed internet access (at least 500 kbps), and a hardcore gamer also has a high-end PC. We’re not talking a wimpy computer that you buy at K-Mart. Put it all on your credit card so you don’t actually have to pay for it. You may also want to build your own nuclear power plant in your backyard to sustain your system’s energy needs and to continue gaming during blackouts.

Step two: choose your screen name. This is the most important step. Choosing your name is more important than choosing a house, a college, or even a spouse. You want to be original; using numbers in your name —uhh, NO! You don’t want to be the 28th lowlife (lowlife28) Make sure your name is easy to read, even by newbs. Names like tankarm and the like are always misread as pepp- three-roni and tan-karm. Some good gamertags are Zyos and Tsoedn, y’know, the easy but cool kind. You want to have an interesting gametag because, unlike your internet girlfriend, it will never hack your system or leave you.

The third step is to learn the lingo. There is a lot of communicating going on between gamers throughout the game, so you want to be able to decipher type and speak the gamer code. The biggest insult in any game is being called a newb. Swearing and foul language are considered complimentary. “You f***ing f***er you f***ing killed me!” translates to “Thank you for a good match. You are obviously a better player than I am.” BSTUAMAAPTSVGT (Be sure to use as many acronyms as possible to save valuable gaming time). That’s l33t.

The last and most fun step is to play the game! As soon as you hear about a game that will be released at a later date, reserve your copy. You don’t want to be the second person to get the game; you need to be the first. Be at your local gaming store at least 2 days prior to release. Bring your food, sleeping bag, and your favorite handheld system with lots of batteries so you don’t miss a minute of game time. When you do eventually get your game, you will want to stock your gaming area with plenty of Mountain Dew and chips. Keep playing until you have beaten the game. Don’t let anything stop you from playing: not school, not work, and certainly not, if you are of the lucky sort, girlfriends or boyfriends. As soon as you get to the last level of the game, call everyone you know and tell them. They will all probably idolize you.

By following these simple steps you will become a master gamer. So HF, DS, and above all have a GG!